HP And The Fic Only My Friends Will Understand
by mystic-angel5
Summary: Just a psychotic fic including some of my friends and a bunch of insider jokes. No real plot. Please, go ahead and flame me. I don't care. I like laughing at stupid people.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. I am making no money from this so don't hurt me. Or sue me. I have no money anyways. Go away. I'm trying to eat a potatoe.  
  
Harry Potter and the fic only my friends will understand...  
  
It was Saturday night. Harry and Ron were sitting across from each other in front of the Gryffindor Common Room fire. Ron was wearing a black leather jacket, a leather cap, and a leather pair of chaps. Harry was dressed a little more conservatively; a bright pink robe with a little yellow ducky embolism on his chest pocket. Both were staring blankly at the fire. Neither of them knew exactly why they were dressed in such strange apparel., they didn't really care to find out either, especially because Harry was becoming quite partial to his fuzzy pink robe, and Ron thought the chaps made him look sexy.  
  
All of a sudden, the door to the girls dormitory burst open. Hermione issued forth, a look of shock on her face.  
  
"Harry! Ron!" she yelled out to them, "Something horrible is happening!"  
  
"What? What happened?" Ron asked, pulling away from his reverie, a look of strong confusion on his face.  
  
"Well, you see-"suddenly, Hermione's head began to rock side-to-side in a violent, rapid motions. "AHHH!" she yelled, before grabbing her ears to keep from snapping her neck.  
  
Harry started blinking.  
  
"Arg!" Hermione gasped in frustration. "As I was trying to say... we have big trouble."  
  
"What happened Hermione? What's going on?" Ron asked, he pulled off his leather hat and started twisting it in his fingers in a nervous gesture.  
  
Hermione sighed, "It appears that we have been trapped in a fic."  
  
Harry kept blinking. "What the hell is a fic Hermione?" he asked.  
  
"O, just something that losers and pathetic people make to give their sorrowful little lives meaning-" she hurried on; "Anyways, what really matters is that we are at the mercy of an author who has decided to create a fic whose plot revolves around all the insider-jokes that her and her psychotic friends have."  
  
Harry was confused.  
  
Ron said: "But, Hermione, what does this mean?"  
  
"It means we are to expect an abundance of random occurrences, a huge lack of real plot, and many off the wall characters to show up in the most unlikely of places."  
  
Just as Hermione finished her explanation, Lurch, the servant from the Adams Family, stumbled through the Fat Lady's portrait.  
  
Hermione sighed. "A perfect example."  
  
Harry stared at Lurch. "Hey, weirdo guy. What's your name?"  
  
"Can't you bloody well read? It says, right above: 'Lurch, the servent of the Adams Family' damn, you're even dumber then you look..." Lurch stated huffily.  
  
Harry was confused. It took him a few moments to realize that he had been insulted. He stood up from his chair and hissed; "You know what Lurch? If I were me, I'd run."  
  
Lurch started laughing.  
  
Harry was suddenly confused. "What?" he asked.  
  
Lurch clutched his sides as he lurched with laughter. (A/N: ehehe, Lurch lurched..)  
  
Ron smacked Harry upside the head. "Idiot."  
  
Harry started blinking.  
  
All of a sudden, the Fat Lady's portrait banged open once again. This time Draco toppled into the Gryffindor Common room, his hands covering his eyes.  
  
"Ouch!" he shrieked, as he landed in a heap on the floor.  
  
"Ewww! What's he doing here?" Ron asked no one in particular.  
  
Hermione took it upon herself to answer, "Don't you see? Random, unlikely characters? This is the author's work. That psychopath." Hermione's head began to shake violently again, and a voice came out of no where.  
  
"NEVER! EVER DISRESPECT THE AUTHOR! AND NEVER, EVER CALL HER A PSYCHOPATH, THERE IS NO EVIDENCE SUPPORTING THAT ARGUMENT... o, wait... ma bad... there is evidence, a filing cabinet full. Go on then. Don't mind me." The voice disappeared.  
  
Draco tripped over a couch and smacked his head on a table.  
  
"Dammit Draco! Why are you covering your eyes?" Harry asked angrily. He rather liked that coffee table.  
  
"B-b-because!" he blubbered. Apparently, he had started to cry. "Look!"  
  
With that, he pulled his hands off his face. His eyebrows were going crazy. They looked like caterpillars trying to see who could jump the highest.  
  
Lurch started laughing again... did he ever stop? Meh...  
  
Harry went over and put a hand on his shoulder. "There there," he cooed, "they look...fine."  
  
Draco sniffled. "Do they really?"  
  
Harry smiled, "they look great! Sexy even..."  
  
Draco's eyes became wide. "NOOO! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS A SLASH FIC! NOOOOOO!"  
  
The author's voice piped up again from no where, "Well, I have to write SOMETHING to entertain Sanja."  
  
Draco sniffled again. Worthless cry baby. "I want my daddy!!!!"  
  
BANG! The portrait opened up again, and in stepped none other then Lucious Malfoy.  
  
"How the Hell did I get here?" he asked of no one in particular.  
  
"DADDDY!" Draco yelled, running over to his dad and giving him a huge bear hug.  
  
"Ewwww." Lucious said. "Get off me Draco. Damn. Now I have to fix my bow. It took me HOURS to fix this hair right!"  
  
With that, Lucious conjured up a large vanity mirror, and a paddle brush.  
  
"Damn knots!" he cursed, as he dragged the brush through his hair. "Herbel Essence can bite me! Organic experience my arse..." with a final swish of the brush, Lucious replaced the large pink ribbon in his hair. He added a couple of butterfly clips too for extra effect.  
  
Lurch approached Lucious. "Hey, umm, can I borrow a butterfly clip?" he asked, looking nervous.  
  
Lucious eyed him up and down, then up again, the down again, and finally nodded and handed Lurch a large purple butterfly with sparkly rhinestones. Lurch clipped it in his hair.  
  
"I feeeeel preeeeeety!" he shouted gleefully, prancing about the room.  
  
Harry started to cry.  
  
"Harry?" Hermione asked cautiously. "Why are you crying?"  
  
Harry blubbered. "I have PMS... I can't control my emotions!"  
  
Harry then got up and threw a chair across the room, punched Lurch in the face, and kicked Ron in the crotch. Then, he opened up a bar of chocolate, took a bite, started giggling frantically, and then dissolved into tears. All within thirty seconds.  
  
Draco yelled out "TIME!" while looking at a stopwatch he was holding. "Wow Harry! From sadness to angry to happiness to sadness again in 30 seconds! Wow!" Draco's eyebrows started going crazy again. He clutched at his face and started crying again.  
  
Ron was steadily turning purple from his crouched position on the floor. Hermione rushed over to him. "Ron, are you okay?" she asked tenderly.  
  
"Hermione," he said, in an extreamly high pitched voice. "I've been kicked in the crotch. I think I'm dying here man." he turned towards Harry, "DICK!" he yelled, before turning a nasty shade of blue.  
  
Suddenly, a large *POP* was heard, followed quickly by a *SNAP* and a *CRACKLE*.  
  
Sirius, Remus and Snape were now standing in the middle of the common room, blinking.  
  
"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled out, rushing towards his godfather. "I though you were dead!"  
  
Sirius stared at him blankly. "So did I... I'm hungry now. Get me food. Pizza face."  
  
Harry blinked. But he nodded dumbly and headed for the Fat Lady's portrait, only to find it locked.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" the voice of the author was heard from above. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW! NONE OF YOU MAY LEAVE!"  
  
"But, I'm hungwee." Sirius whined in a incredibly babyish voice.  
  
A large plat of pizza pockets magically appeared on the Common Room table.  
  
"YAY!" Sirius shouted gleefully, as he rammed a pizza pocket into his mouth. "Mmmm... pizza pockets... DELUX pizza pockets..."  
  
Eveyone suddenly realized that they were all hungry, and lunged at the plate of pizza pockets.  
  
Snape scowled. "Dammit! Why do I have to be trapped in this accursed place with these idiotic fools?! DAMN THE WORLD! DAMN GRYFFINDORS! DAMN POTATOES!"  
  
The author was not happy. "Snape..." she began, in a voice trembling with anger. "Did, I just here you DAMN POTATOES!???"  
  
Snape gulped... "Maybay..."  
  
"NEVER! EVER! DAMN POOOOOTATTTTOOOOES!" and with that, Snape vanished. His body was later recovered by a vacationing couple in Barbados; strung by his heels over top of a pit of angry crocodiles with rabies and guns that shot potatoes with forks in them.  
  
Everyone was now seated in a circle, munching on their pizza pockets, aside from Lurch. He was busy looking at himself in the vanity mirror, admiring his butterfly clip and clenching his bum muscles.  
  
Remus was just about to reach over to grab the last pizza pocket, when his hand met Sirius', who was doing the same thing.  
  
"O, umm, you can have it Padfoot."  
  
"No no, you have it Moony. I insist.."  
  
"No Padfoot, really I think-"  
  
"Ok." Sirius grabbed the pizza pocket and shoved it into his mouth. Whole. The whole room was staring at them.  
  
Remus sighed. "Sirus, you've got a large spot of sauce on your chin."  
  
"Where?" Sirius said, groping his face for the dastardly tomato sauce.  
  
"Here, let me get it." Remus said, grabbing a napkin and dabbing the sauce off of Sirius' chin.  
  
The whole room was watching them. Someone cleared their throat.  
  
"What?" Remus asked, bemused. "What is it?"  
  
Ron, being the tactful, considerate person he was, decided to gently touch the issue by asking loudly, "Dudes, are you gay?"  
  
Harry blinked.  
  
Hermione's head shook.  
  
Draco's etebrows went crazy again.  
  
Lucious smoothed out his bow, while looking slightly turned on.  
  
And Remus' shirt suddenly disappeared.  
  
"Ahh!" he gasped, as he realized that he was partially nude.  
  
"HE IS NOT GAY!" the author yelled out of no where. "HE IS STRAIGHT! AND HE IS MINE! I OWN HIM NOW!!!  
  
Sirius pouted. "Poo," he whined. "Remus may not be gay, but I am. And I thought he was cute."  
  
Remus gave Sirius a questioning look, shrugged and said: "Meh, I'm open to experimentation."  
  
Sirius beamed.  
  
"NOOO!" the author yelled out. "I CONTROL YOU! ME ME ME! YOU WILL LOVEEEE MEEEE! AND I'LL FIND A WAY FOR US TO BE TOGETHER! MWAHHAHA!"  
  
All of a sudden, Remus was no longer a graying thirty six year old, but the strapping teen he had been not too long ago.  
  
"HAHAH!" the author gloated, "NOW YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! CAUSE HE'S TOO YOUNG! AND IF YOU TRIED, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL! AND YOU'D BE SENT TO JAIL! AND YOU WOULD BE SAD! SINCE YOU WOULD HAVE NO POTATOES OR TOFFEE!"  
  
Remus sprinted towards the vanity, and shoved Lurch out of the way. "Wow!" he said, standing in awe in front of his reflection.  
  
"Dude," Ron said in disbelief, "you're hot!"  
  
Everyone looked at Ron.  
  
"What?" he said. "I'm no homophobe like Harry. I'm comfortable with MY masculinity."  
  
Harry tugged on his pink, fluffy robe, then he noticed Hermione was wearing hip huggers, a rainbow belt, and a pink jumper.  
  
"OMG!" he yelled out, "WE MATCH!" he ran over to Hermione and hugged her.  
  
"BACK OFF HARRY!" Ron shouted, "She's mine!"  
  
"Back off Ron!" Draco said, "Harry's mine!"  
  
"Back off Draco!" yelled Lurch, "Ron's mine!"  
  
"Back off Lurch!" yelled Sanja, "Draco is MINE!"  
  
"Back off Sanja!" yelled out Lucious, "Lurch is MINE!"  
  
Everyone blinked and looked confused.  
  
Harry looked at Sanja. "When did you get here?"  
  
Sanja shrugged, "When Maria got here."  
  
Maria was prowling the room, scavenging for forgotten pizza pockets. "When did you get here?" Harry asked Maria.  
  
Maria shrugged. "When Sia got here."  
  
Sia was glaring at Harry.  
  
Harry looked at her. "Why are you glaring at me?"  
  
"I hate you." Sia spat.  
  
Harry cried. Draco ran over to try and comfort him.  
  
Remus was still looking at himself in the vanity, and Sirius was crying.  
  
"How could you do this author?" he was blubbering, "I think I loved him. And you took him away!"  
  
The author spoke up, "Well, I'm sorry... I mean... I just love Remus... I didn't know that you did too."  
  
Sirius kept crying. "No fair! I loved him first!"  
  
"Did not!" said the author.  
  
"Did too!" Sirius replied wittily.  
  
The author sighed. "Fine! Be that way! I'll put him back to normal. But only if you bring me some toffee! And you guys have a baby..."  
  
"Umm, sure..."Sirius replied uncertainly. "For Remus, I'll disobey the laws of the himan anatomy... I mean, human anatomy... yes... human. I'm sorry, I seem to have the IQ of a sponge."  
  
The author sighed. "Meh."  
  
Remus was suddenly transformed back into his regular state, although his shirt was still off and he now had a six pack stomach and washboard abs.  
  
"Thanks author!" Remus said happily, touching his new abs.  
  
"No prob. If you must be gay, I can at least make you more sexy." The author said. "Annnnnd you can return me the favour by leaving your shirt off for the rest of the fic."  
  
"Hey! I was just about to make the same request!" Sirius said.  
  
"I'm forlorn." Ron said out of nowhere.  
  
"No one cares." said Maria.  
  
Ron started crying.  
  
Sanja started smothering Draco in a bear hug. Draco wasn't resisting much. On the contrary, he seemed to be pretty happy that he was being groped by a stranger. Although, he did say "Oh Harry!" at a very inopportune moment, Sanja didn't seem to care either however. Actually, she beamed at Draco, and shoved him against Harry, then started yelling out: "YAY! GAY SEX GAY SEX YAY!"  
  
"Ew." Said everyone.  
  
Ron started fiddling with his chaps. He then unzipped his leather jacket. "It's getting' hot in herrrre," he said, then realized he was not wearing anything under that jacket. He blushed, and zipped it back up. But not before Maria saw this and yelled out, "YAY! RON TAKE IT OFFF! WOOO!"  
  
Hermione slapped Maria. "Step off bitch. He's mine."  
  
"NO YOU DIDN'T!" Maria yelled, and punched Hermione in the face. "DON'T YOU CALL ME A BITCH! PUSSY FACE!" Maria then stepped on her face and yelled out; "BOB DOLE HATES YOU PUSSY FACE!"  
  
Hermione pulled herself up, and punched Maria in the gut. Maria grabbed Hermione by the hair, and started dragging her across the room.  
  
Ron started running around the room screaming, "CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! WOOOO! CAT FIGHT!"  
  
Harry slapped Ron in the face. "Ron, you should be respectful of women."  
  
Sia ran up to Harry and slapped him. "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDOT! AND A WIMP! YOU WUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSY! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE DRACO!??"  
  
Sia ran over to Draco, "FRIENDLY HUG OF DEATH!"  
  
Sanja slapped her. "MY MAN! MY MAN MYYYY MAAAAN!"  
  
"WOOOO! TWO CAT FIGHTS! YAY! TWOOOO CAT FIGHTS AT ONCE!" Ron screamed, prancing about the room.  
  
Remus stood up. "EVERYONE! PEOPLE PEOPLE! THIS IS NOT HOW CIVILIZED WITCHES AND WIZARDS ACT! WE ARE ACTING LIKE CANADIANS AT A HOCKEY GAME!"  
  
Everyone stopped in their tracks, and gasped.  
  
"Isn't that a bit harsh?" Harry asked, a hurt look on his face.  
  
"No! It's not! And I should know, since I'm so incredibly sexy."  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"He's got a point there..." Lucious said.  
  
"Anyways," Remus continued, in a much quieter and subdued voice, "There is only one way to settle this."  
  
"What?" asked Lurch.  
  
Remus sucked in a large breath. "I propose, a gigantic orgy."  
  
"Hmm," said Harry, "That could work."  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement.  
  
So, they had a gigantic orgy.  
  
And then, they all died.  
  
The End  
  
A/N: So, my friendses who read this fic, how did you like? You like? Hmm? I hope so... 


End file.
